the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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