First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize