It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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