remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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