Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
