So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize