I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
