I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
