your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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