i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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