Your face is a jimmy john
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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