who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
