I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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