The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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