i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
