Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize