i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
