I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
