I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
