I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
