Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
