cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
