i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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