she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
