you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
