I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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