remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
