It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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