You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
