if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
