You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you inspire me to be a worse person
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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