drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
