oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
