I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
