Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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