At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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