My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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