I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
