you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
