Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
