i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
