she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
