Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
