I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
