I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
