You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize