I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
