you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
