was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
