I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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