I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
