you guys were way drunker than both of me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
