He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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