The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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