tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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