If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
