I am puke
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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