I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
