i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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