I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
