she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
