so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
